How to get over a cheat

If, like me, you have ever been cheated on then you'll know that it hurts. It is the end of your world as you know it and has you questioning everything you ever thought about everything. STOP!

Being cheated on is never easy. It hurts and makes you question every thought and belief you ever had.

I have been cheated on – and then left for the newer model. After being together for years, living together, planning our future, buying a house, getting a dog and talk of marriage (even up to three weeks before the split), it was a big shock and left me reeling. I questioned myself, my naiveté and my part in my ex’s need to look elsewhere. In the first few days I blamed myself for ‘pushing / driving’ my partner into cheating on me. I blamed myself for not seeing the problems in our relationship, probably because I didn’t want to. I kicked myself for not seeing the signs which, in hindsight, were all too apparent.

I cried and I begged. I pleaded for things to go back to the way they were. I just wanted everything to return to ‘normal’.

My friends and family tried to support me and pick me up. They told me ‘Give yourself time’, ‘You’ll be ok’, ‘Maybe it’s for the best’ and the ever so helpful and comforting ‘Well, I can’t say I’m surprised’. At the time I thought ‘Yeah right, life will never be the same again.’

Now, months later, I realise they were all right – I am ok, time does help and I’m not surprised now either. I was right too – life will never be the same again, thank God!

If someone had said to me 6 months ago that by now I’d be able to think about all this logically (let alone write about it) without crying, beating myself up or wishing I could turn back the clock, I’d have looked at them as if they’d come from Mars – but here I am, doing just that.

It has taken plenty of soul searching, tons of introspection and a good dose of selfishness but I think I can safely say I’m over it. I won’t forget it but it has served its purpose and is now filed under ‘past experience’.

There are many things I have had to learn to get to this point and hopefully some of them will help someone else who finds themselves in the same situation – I hope you never do.

--I don’t blame myself. This was not my fault, any of it. Whatever problems there may be on either side of the relationship will not be resolved by jumping into bed with someone else. Talking to each other BEFORE this stage is generally a better idea. If the ‘someone else’ was the entire reason then jumping into bed was still not the right thing to do. The better option would have been to end one relationship BEFORE starting another. As you can see – BEFORE – is the key word here, which saves a lot of heartache after. Cheating is never a solution.

--I know I didn’t push/drive my partner into bed with someone else. My ex partner is an adult (?) who is quite capable of making right or wrong decisions. In this case, wrong decisions. Whatever was wrong between us did not give my partner permission to cheat on me.

--I will not forgive and forget. How can I? I don’t want to forgive a person who treated me wrongly and I can’t forget something that changed my life – for the better, it turns out.

--I shouldn’t have begged and pleaded for them not to go and to take me back. I will never do it again and am now glad that my pleas were ignored. It freed me and has taught me so much more about life than I would have learned had we stayed together.

--I asked for help, it was offered and I took it. This was something I’d never been good at in the past but it is invaluable. My sister cancelled Christmas to be with me (big sisters are great in a crisis), my parents have helped in many ways and my friends (including some I thought I may not see again) have been brilliant medicine. Help comes in many forms – a shoulder to cry on, beer and tears, stern home truths, finances, laughter, even a book which helped more than those particular friends realised.

--I’ve learned to say NO more often. I got the dog when we split up and at first I would go out of my way to make sure my ex could see the dog. Now, if it’s not convenient for me then it doesn’t happen.

--Moving into a place of my own was a big step but I couldn’t be happier. I can do what I want when I want – and I do. I highly recommend living alone for a while.

--I’ve started to think logically about our relationship and see it for what it really was. I can now see the flaws, the taking for granted and the distance between us. I know now that I wasn’t happy, I just didn’t realise it until I got happier. I’m now less lonely being on my own than I was as part of two.

--I don’t think about the ‘What if’s’. These questions never help. It happened and it can’t be changed. I’ve just learned to accept that and look forwards – only looking backwards to make sure I learn from what did happen, not what could have.

--Trust is key. I could never go back to that partner again as I now can’t trust them and they have proved that beyond any doubt. This doesn’t mean I’ll never trust anyone again but I know it will be hard to do next time around. I have to trust again otherwise I will always be alone. For now I comfort myself with the thought that they may never be able to trust each other fully as one has already cheated and the other was happy to break up a long term relationship – what’s to say they’ll never do it again? I know that last part may sound a little bitter but I think I’m entitled – and right.

--The single biggest contributor to all of this has been my dog. If you have a dog, try to keep it – if not then get a pet. My dog has had a huge influence on my wellbeing – physically, emotionally and mentally. I have to walk him often which means I get exercise and fresh air and also get to meet people – everyone talks to you if you have a dog. He has put up with crying, tellings off (even when he’s really done nothing wrong) and endless talking. Although the conversations are a little one sided you’d be amazed at how much it helps. He never bears a grudge, never buts in, never tells me what to do and is always loyal and faithful to me. My best friend.

--The last thing I’ve learned – and maybe the most important – is that maybe it was fear, and not the loss of a relationship, that made me want things back the way they were. We had been together and lived together for so long that it was scary to go it alone.

I’m rebuilding my confidence now and learning to be ‘me’ again instead of ½ of two. I’m trying new things (like writing a hub), venturing out on my own and gaining new experiences every day. I stop and watch the wildlife and really do stop and smell the roses these days.

I know that whatever happened, whether I changed or not, whether I was supportive enough or not, whether I was fun enough or not, or if I was just not enough, I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. Thanks go to my ex for teaching me so much about people, life, relationships and, most of all, myself.

I have family, old friends, new friends and my dog. I’m relatively healthy and getting happier by the minute. Life is just one big opportunity for me now and I’m not letting it get away.